Friendship: A Mirror, a Witness, and a Journey by Chaya Spencer

 "A friend knows our difficulties and shadows and remains in sight, a companion to our vulnerabilities more than our triumphs," writes poet and philosopher David Whyte in his book, Consolations. True friendship, he suggests, is about being truly present and reflecting that presence back.

I love the idea that friendship is being truly present and reflecting that presence back. This is what I crave in my friendships; to be truly seen. Sometimes I find myself sharing something and feeling that what I’ve said has really been heard. At other times, it’s what I haven’t had the courage to say that’s been heard. There’s a pause, a sense of real listening, in which I feel deeply acknowledged. I am seen. This is so affirming and fulfilling for me.

David Whyte invites us to see friendship as a "mirror to presence and a testament to forgiveness." It's not just about celebrating triumphs, but being truly seen in both our vulnerabilities and victories. In the practices of yoga and meditation we have the opportunity to offer friendship to all that we are, regardless of what we’ve done or not done, and to forgive ourselves in such a way that we can reflect kindness back to ourselves. As Whyte says, "Without tolerance and mercy all friendships die."

Photo courtesy Herb Benkel

But our sense of self isn't limited to our everyday actions. Through genuine friendship, others see a potential within us, a glimpse of the person we aspire to be. This inspires us to step up, not bound by daily achievements, but by the faith others hold in us. I guess friendship, at its core, is about witnessing. It's the privilege of seeing another's essence, walking with them, believing in them, even simply accompanying them on a journey. 

All traditions have a creation theory - a reason why we’re here. Tantra, the philosophy that underpins Anusara Yoga, explains it like this. There is a singularity that is pure energy. Because it is singular, it has no way of experiencing itself. It has no friends. It can’t bear witness to itself and the love, beauty and essence that it is. And so, out of its own creative delight and freedom, it manifests the universe and all of us. We are the way in which that one energy befriends itself and has “…the privilege of having been granted the sight of the essence of another…”, as Whyte writes. 

John O’Donohue looks at friendship from another related perspective through the Celtic concept of anam cara, the "soul friend."  This “…friendship cuts across all convention, morality, and category. You were joined in an ancient and eternal way with the “friend of your soul.” The Celtic understanding did not set limitations of space or time on the soul. There is no cage for the soul. The soul is a divine light that flows into you and into your Other. This art of belonging awakened and fostered a deep and special companionship.”  Anam Cara is a bond transcending limitations, allowing us to share our "innermost self, mind and heart." This act of belonging, fostered through spiritual practices, connects us to the Soul of the Universe, our ultimate Anam Cara.

So, whether you have a close friend like an Anam Cara, or simply feel, or yearn to feel, the connection to the larger universe, here are some things I strive to remember:

• Be present and forgiving with yourself. Offer yourself the same compassion and understanding you extend to others.
• See the potential in others. Celebrate their best selves and inspire them to grow.
• Embrace the universe as your friend. Find support and meaning in the interconnectedness of all things.

Yoga itself embodies this practice of friendship. It's a way to befriend our bodies, minds, and hearts, ultimately connecting with the Divine. With each pose, we create a connection, yoking ourselves to something greater. Today, ask yourself: who or what will you practice yoga with? Who will you befriend, both within and beyond yourself?

Let's journey together, cultivating connections that nourish our souls and remind us that friendship is a gift far grander than we imagine.

 

Beyond "Fight or Flight": Yoga for a Balanced Life by Chaya Spencer

Chronic stress often stems from a perceived lack of control and a constant state of "fight-or-flight." This constant state of alertness disrupts our physical and mental well-being. Kristin Powers writes: "Chronic stress keeps you in a trauma response — fight, flight or freeze. Your body never gets a break because you are always on high alert and living in survival mode. The chronic uncertainty and anxiety naturally leads you to overwork so you will have the resources to survive."

Sometimes, stress isn't just about external pressures; it can be a deeper sense of meaninglessness or disconnect from our purpose. While yoga cannot single-handedly solve existential questions, it can create a space for self-reflection and exploration. By connecting with our breath and body, we can begin to understand ourselves better and find a sense of inner peace, even amidst external challenges.

Dr. Gabor Mate writes: "When people start to lose a sense of meaning and get disconnected, that's where breakdown in our health—mental, physical, social health—occurs," the psychiatrist and neuroscientist Bruce Perry told [me]. Our hormones and nervous systems clock [the] presence or absence of meaning in our lives."

Yoga provides a path to a balanced life by:

• Promoting mindfulness: Through focused breathwork and attention to the present moment, yoga helps us become aware of our thoughts and emotions, allowing us to respond rather than react to stressful situations.
• Building self-compassion: Yoga fosters self-acceptance and a sense of inner peace, reducing self-criticism and promoting a healthy relationship with ourselves.
• Enhancing physical well-being: Gentle yoga stretches and poses improve flexibility, reduce muscle tension, and promote better sleep, all contributing to stress reduction.

By incorporating yoga into our lives, we can break free from the "fight-or-flight" cycle, cultivate a sense of calm and control, and create a more balanced and fulfilling life.  Any type of practice or class will help, but classes that focus specifically on regulating the nervous system through breath, mindfulness and deeply relaxing poses can be the most beneficial to heal our bodies, minds and hearts from chronic stresses.

Use this short meditation to down regulate your nervous system now: https://youtu.be/Fyi6RcFmTco

Chronic Stress: The New Normal by Chaya Spencer

Chronic stress has become a normal part of life. We have adapted to living with heightened stress day in and day out. Do you feel it? New research shows how this stress is contributing to numerous chronic illnesses, including heart disease, diabetes, and even some cancers. Studies show Americans are particularly affected, with high rates of chronic illness and mental health diagnoses directly linked to chronic stress. And, it’s not just adults, teens and young people are also suffering from chronic stress and its deleterious health effects.

In a recent report, Stress in America 2023, the American Psychological Association found that among those aged 35-44, nearly 60% reported they suffered from a chronic illness, and 45% percent said they had received a mental health diagnosis. Adults ages 18 to 34 reported the highest rate of mental illnesses at 50%.

What's the connection? When under constant stress, our bodies remain in "fight-or-flight" mode, flooding us with hormones like cortisol. This prolonged stress disrupts our hormonal and immune systems, making us susceptible to various health problems.

Yoga can combat chronic stress and improve our health. By combining physical postures, breathwork, and meditation, yoga helps:

• Reduce stress hormones: Yoga promotes relaxation, lowering cortisol levels and calming the nervous system.
• Improve sleep quality: Better sleep is crucial for recovery and rejuvenation. Yoga practices can enhance sleep quality by promoting relaxation and reducing anxiety.
• Increase resilience: Yoga cultivates self-awareness and empowers individuals to manage stress effectively, leading to increased resilience in the face of challenges.

Any yoga class will help to regulate the nervous system and reduce stress, but at Shree we find that the most effective is Restorative Yoga followed by Gentle Yoga or a combination of the two. 

According to Roger Cole, a sleep researcher, “Restorative Yoga allows you to recover fully from all the stresses and strains of life. By relaxing muscles, lowering your heart rate and allowing your nervous system to stop constantly reacting, you are not only more relaxed but more focused and effective.” 

At Shree, we strongly encourage you to add a Restorative or Gentle class to your existing weekly classes for your mental fitness and ultimately for your health.

Forgiveness is a Skill by Chaya Spencer

"Forgiveness is a skill," wrote David Whyte, "a way of preserving clarity, sanity and generosity in an individual life." It's a beautiful sentiment, but can we embody it?  Live it?  For me that feels almost impossible.  Anthony Ray Hinton's story offers a powerful possibility.

Hinton, a man wrongly convicted of murder and sentenced to death, spent 30 years in prison for a crime he didn't commit. Despite the pain and anger that must have consumed him, Hinton chose forgiveness. He fought for his freedom, yes, but he also actively sought to release himself from the prison of resentment.

"I decided that I would take my life back," he said. "The only way that I could take my life back was that I knew I had to forgive." This wasn't an overnight process; it was a journey fueled by prayer, perseverance, and a deep desire for peace.

Hinton's story is a testament to the transformative power of forgiveness. It's not about condoning the harm done, but about choosing to move forward without being chained to the past. It's about reclaiming your life and shaping your own future.

But how do we navigate this path of forgiveness? It's a struggle, especially when the wounds are deep and the scars run raw. It’s one I struggle with particularly.  For me, it starts with acknowledging the pain, the anger, the hurt.  I find that ignoring these emotions only allows them to fester.  It also does not mean excusing the actions of the person who harmed us, but perhaps it means understanding them, recognizing their own pain or limitations. Perhaps it means letting go of the need for revenge and choosing compassion instead.

But forgiveness isn't just about others. It's also about extending compassion to ourselves. Like many, I often find myself being my own harshest critic. Striving for perfection and fearing failure can be a recipe for anxiety and stress. But as I learn to accept my fallibility, to embrace my humanness, I begin to experience self-compassion and forgiveness. It's a journey of releasing the inner critic and finding peace with who I am.  Yoga helps me do that.  It's one of the ways I connect to myself and feel grounded and complete.

Someone once said, "Forgiveness is a process, not a destination." It's a skill we can cultivate, a choice we make to move towards healing and wholeness. Anthony Ray Hinton's story is a testament to its power. It reminds us that even in the face of great injustice, forgiveness can offer a path to freedom, peace, and a future filled with joy.

The journey to forgiveness is long and winding. There will be days when it feels impossible, days when the anger flares back up. And, as a practice, it's a muscle that strengthens with use. I seek inspiration from stories like Hinton's, I find solace in practicing yoga and above all when I am able to cultivate self compassion. 

Forgiveness is a gift we give to ourselves, not the person who harmed you. It's about reclaiming your peace, your joy, and your power to shape your own future. It's a choice, a step towards a life lived with greater clarity, sanity, and generosity. And that, in itself, is a beautiful thing.

I’ll end here with inspiration from John O’Donohue:

Forgiveness is one of the really difficult things in life. The logic of receiving hurt seems to run in the direction of never forgetting either the hurt or the hurter. When you forgive, some deeper, divine generosity takes over. When you can forgive, then you are free. When you cannot forgive, you are a prisoner of the hurt done to you. If you are really disappointed in someone and you become embittered, you become incarcerated inside that feeling. Only the grace of forgiveness can break the straight logic of hurt and embitterment. It gives you a way out, because it places the conflict on a completely different level. In a strange way, it keeps the whole conflict human. You begin to see and understand the conditions, circumstances, or weakness that made the other person act as they did.

Emancipation by Chaya Spencer

 

What we call disappointment may be just the first stage of our emancipation into the next greater pattern of existence.

~ David Whyte, Consolations

At Shree, we teach Anusara Yoga, a style of hatha yoga that is based on the Tantric philosophy of inclusivity. The word tantra is translated in many ways, but the one I appreciate most is “to loom, warp, weave”. This definition imagines the universe as a giant tapestry woven on a universal loom. It acknowledges that we are all woven together, each a colorful and essential thread in the overarching pattern. 

One reason I like this definition is that my Mom was a weaver and we had a huge loom set up in our NYC apartment as I was growing up. As a little girl, I would sometimes sit under the loom and watch her shuttle going back and forth trying to see, but often failing to see, the pattern she was weaving.  Her tapestries were creative expressions of herself and I marveled at how the color or width of each thread seemed random until woven into the whole. This is one of her pieces 5’6” wide in black and white. She would card and spin the individual threads to the width and length desired always keeping in mind how they would meld into the whole.

When we only see only our own individual thread our perspective narrows. When we are able to step out that narrowness, we perceive the myriad interconnections, the warp and the weft, the snags and the beauty. I begin to see how we are each completely different, unique and related. Sometimes it takes a disappointment to help move us into the bigger picture and the next greater pattern of existence.

As I think over the disappointments of my life, though they will always be painful, I also see how they have been an essential part of making me who I am today.  As I recall all the people who have intersected with my life, in good ways and difficult ways, I see the strands weaving into a pattern of the tapestry that is me.  Our parts make us whole. When we can see the disappointments and the joys as integral parts of the whole, perhaps we can experience some freedom that comes with perspective.

 

Denial's Unexpected Splendor: Embracing Life's Transitions with Yoga by Chaya Spencer

Thoughts during COVID on denial and yoga with quotes and inspiration from poet David Whyte’s book: Consolations

David Whyte, poet and philosopher, paints a surprising picture of denial in his book "Consolations." Not as a villain blocking our path, but as a "necessary and self-compassionate" companion, tenderly holding us when life throws curveballs. This reframing resonated deeply with me, especially while navigating the messy terrain of personal loss and upheaval.

Denial is underestimated as a state of being. Denial is an ever present and even a splendid thing when see in the light of its merciful and elemental powers to cradle and hold an identity until it is ready to move on. Faced with the depth of loss and disappearance in the average life, a measure of denial is creative, necessary and self-compassionate…Refusing to face what we are not yet ripe and ready to face can help us to live in the present.

~ David Whyte, Consolations

Imagine clinging to the shore after a stormy ocean toss. Denial, then, becomes the warm blanket that allows you to shiver and process the shock, without the immediate pressure to plunge back into the churning waves. It grants us a precious pause, a space to breathe and gather strength before tackling the unknown.

This aligns deeply with the essence of yoga. We're invited to meet life on the mat, in all its messy, glorious entirety. Denial, no longer the enemy, becomes part of the spectrum of emotions we explore. Owning it, instead of fighting it, allows us to be present with whatever arises, even discomfort.

Whyte calls denial a "transitional state," a bridge between the familiar and the new. The old shores recede, leaving us yearning for what was, unsure of what lies ahead. Yet, there's beauty in this liminal space. In the quiet, we catch glimpses of resilience, moments of peace amidst the uncertainty. We connect with the simple joys of what exists, appreciate the stillness, and find solace in the quiet hum of life around us.

Denial fully experienced, also enables us to understand the full measure of our reluctance thus becoming a way of both paying attention to and appreciating what is asking to be seen. Denial is a beautiful transitional sate every human being inhabits before they are emancipated into the next larger context and orphaned, often against their will, from an old and very familiar home.

~ David Whyte, Consolations

Remember that annoyingly apt saying, "Denial is a River in Africa"? It is commonly used in my household, often directed at me, when I am blatantly avoiding the facts.  It is sometimes more comfortable to bury my head in the sand and pretend that whatever it is that's making me so uncomfortable, isn't actually happening.  Whyte sheds a different light: 

Denial can be a beautiful skin shed, left to be seen, of even to beautify and beatify others as they follow, wearing our former clothes. To understand the true nature of our reluctance through observing and then inhabiting our denial is to see directly into the soul’s wish to participate.

~ David Whyte, Consolations

We wish to participate but sometimes it is too painful or problematic so we move into denial.  To recognize that, and compassionately to give ourselves the time we need to be ready to move forward, is a great gift.  Maybe one of the greatest.  And, once we’ve learned to give it to ourselves, it is so much easier to give it to others.

So, the next time denial creeps in, let’s resist the urge to push it away. Let it be a temporary anchor, a gentle pause before the next leap. Embrace it as part of the dance of life, a bridge between what was and what can be. And on the mat, where vulnerability meets strength, allow your practice to hold you through the transitions, reminding you that even in the face of the unknown, you are present, you are whole, and you are enough.

Photo courtesy Herb Benkel

Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart by Chaya Spencer

Courage is what love looks like when tested by the simple everyday necessities of being alive.

~ David Whyte, Consolations

In Anusara Yoga we have an alignment principle called Shoulder Loop in which we hug the shoulder blades strongly onto the upper back while lifting and opening the sternum. The shoulder blades become like two loving hands scooping up our tender hearts and holding them steady. This action makes for a strong stable upper back and a soft open front. When I practice Shoulder Loop I feel as though "I've got my own back" and that allows me to more fully open up my front and soften into my fear, my love, my grief, my hope, and step forward into the day more courageously. Brene Brown's quote is apt - encapsulating the whole experience: Strong Back. Soft Front. Wild Heart.

David Whyte writes: To be courageous is not necessarily to go anywhere or do anything except to make conscious those things we already feel deeply and then to live through the unending vulnerabilities of those consequences….

To be courageous is to stay close the way we are made.

The practice of yoga is about becoming more conscious. It’s about becoming aware of our bodies in space, bringing focus to our thoughts and feelings, noticing the present moment and all that it holds, and finally realizing we are all part of one another and this universe. All of that takes courage. We may find it uncomfortable to become conscious of ourselves in this way. We may not be happy with “the way we were made” or the way we feel. The invitation is to embrace all of that: the difficult feelings and the easy ones. 

Together, let’s cultivate a strong back, a soft front and a wild heart. Together, let's step courageously forward into whatever today brings.  As Whyte reminds us in Consolations:

The measure of our courage is the measure of our willingness to embrace disappointment, to turn towards it rather than away, the understanding that every real conversation of life involves having our hearts broken somewhere along the way...