I was reading Bambi the other
day to my kids and Thumper the bunny was explaining that in springtime (which
it finally feels like, halleluia!) all the animals become
"twitterpated". So, love is in the air! When I
contemplate love many things come to mind but I had a defining experience a few
years ago I wanted to share.
It happened almost 4 years
ago, a week after moving to NJ from the Chicago area. I was miserable,
heartbroken over leaving close friends, despairing over renting a house, my
beloved grandmother had passed away the week before and I had to miss her
funeral because it was the day we moved, my kids were having a hard time -
suffice it to say that I was in a very low place. In search of some
healing I went to a yoga class (it wasn't at Shree). The opposite of what
I was searching for happened - I hated the class, hated the teacher, hated
every word he said, hated every pose we did. (Of course he was a perfectly fine teacher - it was just my experience.)
At the end of class I felt
stripped-down-to-the-bone raw. As we laid down in savasana the words that
came into my head were "I surrender". What I thought I was
surrendering to was grief, fear, and misery, just letting myself plunge down
into the black hole I had sunk into in times past and was trying so desperately
to avoid. But it didn't happen. What came with the tears in that moment
was overwhelming love. There was a presence with me; surrounding me,
holding me, and filling me up, and, although I was crying they were tears
of relief, because in that moment I knew everything was ok, and that
everything would always be ok. That this presence was always with me, but
I had to open to it.
I had spent weeks fighting
what was coming to me and actively resisting everything I felt. Tell me
if this inner dialogue sounds familiar: "I'm a yogi, I practice equanimity
and breathing and santosha, I know how to handle things so I don't go down the
black hole of despair. I'm fine." Or "I can't feel all this, my kids
need to see strong mommy, not falling apart mommy." That was some of the
commentary in my mind all those weeks trying to avoid what hurt. I put
up all these barriers to pain, these walls to keep suffering out, when what I
really needed to do was just let myself mourn and be sad and be okay with
it. My friend Silvia Mordini says "The Universe is always speaking to
you - sometimes she whispers and sometimes she throws a brick at your
head." So here came Kali, brick in hand, knocking down every wall I
had put up because love comes in many forms and sometimes it hurts. She knew
it but I didn't, and this is how I had to learn it. Everything shifted
from that moment forward because I was willing to let the armor down, to not be fine. And when the armor came down, all that was left was love. What an absolute
relief. Learning this truth first hand was a transformational moment for me,
nothing was the same afterwards.
I didn't know Kali so well
back then, but I think on some unconscious level I summoned her to be with me.
What I know now is that she is the power of elimination which can be
destructive, but ultimately she brings us to love. Kali energy is a
massive love force - she has to be to break through the armor we put up.
Here's the thing though, we have to be willing to participate with her
to let her open us up. We have to be willing to let our barriers down, to
be vulnerable, to feel even if it hurts. She comes when we are at our
lowest not to break us down, but to force us to break down the barriers that keep us from happiness and love...which might feel like a
breaking down but I am here to tell you it isn't. It's like the Leonard Cohen song says "There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."
Kali is the hammer wedged into that crack.
So whatever you might be
facing or feeling, invite Kali energy to be with you. I am reminded again of the Rumi quote we've read so many times: "Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." Be brave and call on her -
she will break you down but I promise you what will come is love, and it will heal you and open you and
change your life in any way you allow it to.
Off the Mat:
Be aware this week of the
ways that you protect your heart. Boundaries are important and necessary,
but often we put them up where they aren't necessarily needed simply because
it's become a habit, or because we've needed to do it in the past in some
situation or another. It doesn't mean that it always has to happen, and
we don't always need the armor up to face the world. Where are the places
you can let yours down (safely)?
On the Mat:
I've been seeing a lot of
photos of myself lately and I've noticed my shoulders dipping forward,
spine slightly rounded. My posture is reflective of my heart being a
little closed down, which is something I've been working on
in my relationships. Now don't get me wrong, I know plenty of people with bad
posture and huge generous hearts so it’s not like we improve our posture and
magically become more loving and intimate with those around us. But
many of us do face the world this way - our posture reflecting a kind of
protectiveness. When we can open up the vulnerable parts of our bodies
with confidence and grace it becomes easier to receive love, others feel more
willing to offer it, and we find it easier to offer it back. And
that does open us up in a way.
For the Anusara Junkies:
Open to Grace: Open yourself up to the
places in yourself capable of great love, and with each breath expand the love you have to offer.
Open yourself up with
compassion to the places in you that push love away, and let the breath soften those boundaries.
Muscular Energy: We have to be strong to open
ourselves up, it’s not like we just flop ourselves open and say here I am for
the taking – we participate with that opening up, like every muscle of the body
participates in the pose.
Fire up your muscles with
the fierce love you have for those that are most dear to you.
Draw (from periphery to focal point) all the love the Universe (Kali) has to offer to you.
Shoulder Loop: Imagine the bottom tips of the shoulder blades like the two hands of Kali, pressing forward and piercing through the tough armor around your heart and into the
love at the center.
Move the bottom tips of the shoulder blades forward, feeling them gently
nudge the back of the heart, waking it up to receive the love of the Universe
(of Kali).
Move the tops of the shoulders (head of the arm bones) and the throat back, opening up the guarded vulnerable heart to love.
Organic Energy: From the core of your being spread all the love you
are capable of.
Let love shine from any crack in the facade of your being.
